The Norther Neko

Baby snatch accused is charged over rape of boy

We don’t quite understand this headline, but it does not sound like good news.

Two unarmed female police officers shot dead in Manchester manhunt

Did nobody read the rules of Manchester Manhunt? Manchester Womanhunt was next week. Geez louise, you guys.

Woman jailed after burying drowned cat with potato masher

She left a note at the scene which said: “Hey Puss Puss, we love you, and are sorry that we hurt you, but we didn’t want you to suffer.”

The RSPCA received an anonymous letter alerting them to the incident.

The sentence seems a bit excessive for a well-intentioned act of tasteful euthanasia. On the other hand, starting a eulogy with the word “Hey” is unacceptable and Hartlepool Magistrates Court is right to crack down.

Middlesbrough torture victim made to mop up own blood

Aside from that, the first week with her new flatmate has been going well.

Grief led man to stab his dog

♫ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♫

Alcoholic spends prison money on drink, court hears

Inconceivable!

Darlington councillor sexually abused girl after party to celebrate re-election

Just about any other form of post-party celebration would have been preferable.

Ban for kicking care home patient like a ball

Disappointingly, it was a football-style dead-ball [or in this case stationary-pensioner] free kick, not a rugby-style drop kick.

Hunt on for vandal who targeted Horden killer's car

It takes real courage to carry out a vigilante attack on someone who has killed four people INCLUDING HIMSELF.

Victim of injustice back behind bars

Injustice strikes twice?

Businessman who hanged himself was depressed

Inconceivable!

Pony beheading was not a random attack, say police

“Trigger’s murder shows all the hallmarks of being a gangland retaliation slaying. Upon obtaining a search warrant for Trigger’s office, we found evidence that he was being blackmailed for years by a group of donkeys in Derbyshire. This runs deeper than we realized.”

Darlington manager Cooper sacked

On January 14, 2006, Darlington beat Peterborough United 2-1 in the Football League.

On January 14, 2006, Braintree Town beat East Thurrock United 1-0 in the Ryman League.

This past Saturday, seven Darlington bosses later (David Hodgson, Dave Penney, Colin Todd, Steve Staunton, Simon Davey, Ryan Kidd, Mark Cooper), Braintree Town beat Darlington 3-1 in the Blue Square Premier.

Solution: sack the manager.

Relevant: the most miserable message board thread ever.

Hard-up Darlington restauranteur in court over supermarket sandwich

A sad article, accompanied by an evocative “It’s a fair cop” photo.

Dying -- but still beating his wife

One James Pattison, 56, is alleged to be taking feisty too far in his fight for survival.