The Norther Neko

Durham County Council defends its gritting procedure after drivers stuck in traffic gridlock

Gridlock? More like gritlock! Am I right folks? #jokes #jokes #jokes #jokes

Taoist monk could face jail for home cannabis farm

Six schoolchildren taken to hospital after cookery lesson brownies spiked with cannabis

These 14-year-olds have learned their lesson, are no longer being bullied into drug trafficking by go-kart-riding Taoist monks, and are headed for greatness. The future is bright for the North East.

Go-kart racer 'forced' to grow cannabis is spared prison sentence

Forced to grow cannabis in his sister’s shed by a gang of toughs. A gang no doubt led by a Taoist monk.

Burglar gets shock when tackled by naked man

An electric shock? Sadly no details on any eels involved in the melee.

Billingham Satanist jailed for using alias

Garry, this use of an alias is the worst thing you’ve done since all those Satanic child molestation bloopers.

Baby snatch accused is charged over rape of boy

We don’t quite understand this headline, but it does not sound like good news.

Man on his way to completing challenge to lick every Anglican cathedral in UK

Autumn certainly is the season for pointless accomplishments.

Welly wanging world record tumbles

Man smashes pickled egg eating record

Last year fitness instructor Kevin Hayes smashed the egg pickling record. Next year he plans to smash the egg smashing record. He will then take all his egg-related records, pickle them and eat them with a side of eggs.

Article contains video!

Two unarmed female police officers shot dead in Manchester manhunt

Did nobody read the rules of Manchester Manhunt? Manchester Womanhunt was next week. Geez louise, you guys.

York Potash mine "not unsafe," says Mines Inspectorate

“It could definitely be less safe. Although we’re not saying it’s safe, either. Don’t blame us if you get ten tons of polyhalite dropped on your head. Safe, unsafe, not unsafe, these are all relative terms in the grand scheme of things. Here at the Mines Inspectorate we’re all about self-regulation and self-actualization.”

Man punched unconscious after chatting to fancy-dress "schoolgirl" in Consett

This story would be so much better if it were she who punched him out, instead of two of her thuggish minions.

Drug dealer stopped on A19 for speeding branded 'idiot'

Judge Simon Bourne-Arton said he was showing mercy because they had stayed out of trouble since their arrests a year ago.

“You have all got convictions, but you are not hardened drug dealers. Hardened drug dealers would not behave the way you did.

“Only a complete idiot with a stash full of Class C in the boot goes up the A19 at 90mph, attracting the attention of the police.”

Respectable dog walker captured on CCTV ripping up railway's flowerbeds

Naturally your first suspect is the perpetrator of the pseudonymous bomb threats against the North York Moors Railway. But this latest outrage was committed against the Wensleydale Railway.